three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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