Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
