It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
