Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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