I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
