i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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