Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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