I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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