I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
