I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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