you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
