life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
