I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
