She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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