Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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