My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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