Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My balls are so social today.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
