I feel like abortions should bother me more
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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