capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
