am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
