i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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