I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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