If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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