I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
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