I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
