i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
