I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
