Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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