Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my phone needs a breathalizer
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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