you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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