I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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