If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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