Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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