nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize