Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
