Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Text me some of your sweat
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
