I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
