How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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