I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
