two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
