if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize