dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
