You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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