You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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