Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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