I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
