His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
