I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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