I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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