apparently the secret to your success is patron
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
