I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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