everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
