I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
