end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
