We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
