i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize